Rock Climbing Humour

The following were contributed by the Rockrats… (kids please do not try this at home, or anywhere else, for that matter).

The Bite (By CoverBoy): Cant hold that branch? Cheating? Not if you use your teeth… CJ:”Shee? Ai naw howing er wranch, ai ands are on er wock, gnot er wranch…”

(translation: See? I’m not holding the branch, my hands are on the rock, not the branch…)

The BodySlam (By SmallPerson): When you have a leader fall, dont brace with your feet. You may risk ankle injury. Instead, go limp and slam the entire front of your body against the wall. Particularly effective for well endowed women climbers with big…airbags. Sorry Su Chin, you dont fall into that category, thats why you injured your knee, chipped your tooth…

The Anklesnapper Dyno (By MountainGoat): When doing a free solo dyno, if you miss, aim to land between the crash pads. Solid ground is always more stable than a soft wobbly cushion right?

The Quickrelease Belay (By Fearless Leader): Never lock your carabiner when belaying someone. Who knows when you may need to run off to have a pang-sai (read: take a dump) or something? Unscrewing the krab takes time and the climber may find out! This way, you can unclip right away, go do your thing and be back without the climber ever knowing…

Climber: “Whoa Lai, that was great belaying. There was no friction at all when I pulled on the rope to clip in! Great anticipation!”

Lai:*snicker* *snicker* “It was nothing….” (literally)

The RopeDrop (By Fearless Leader again! Do I see a trend here?): When climbing, clip into the anchor, untie your rope and just throw it down. Wait to get rescued. Get instant fame. Just make sure you have locking carabiners…

Unknown Climber:”Did you hear about the guy that was up there the other time and he dropped the rope!”

Lai:”Barsket, it was me la!!”

The Lai fall (by Fearlessleader): when you take a winger, make sure you end up up-side-down.

The Lai maneuver (by Fearlessleader): If you’re having trouble climbing and you don’t like the handholds? Don’t worry, pull on the draws.

The modified Lai (by Mutantman): Same as above, but if there’s no draw in the bolt, nevermind, just make sure you bring some up and you can clip in and pull up.

The no-hand Lai (by CombatGirl): Why pull on the draw when you can clip your harness in and have a no-hands rest?

The Lai step (by Fearlessleader): If you have no footholds, don’t worry, there’s always a solid foothold to be gotten by stepping on the bolt.

Volumeter grading (by Lelek): If you don’t know the grade of a route, send Lelek up first and listen to the noises that he makes. The louder he is, the more difficult the route is.

Bomb proofing (by Holdbreaker): Well, they don’t call him holdbreaker for nothing. If you aren’t sure how safe a route is, send up the holdbreaker first. If he makes it down in one piece, very likely the anchor, bolts and holds are pretty solid stuff.

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