Aimless Wondering…

Another week has gone by and I haven’t been meeting my targets to run more and climb more. Each morning I wake, I drag my feet from my bed like it’s a torture just to be up. I plan each day to run or climb but invariably, I never make it unless I’ve agreed to meet someone at the gym or on the track.

My self-motivation is hovering on a near zero and I feel like something’s gotta give…

It’s tiresome when I flick back and forth between states of exuberance and apathy like a person with Bipolar. There are days when I’m on fire and I think it’s all starting to come back and other days, like this, when I feel like I’m going to the dogs.

Like an angel to the rescue, the day I posted the first paragraph in this post, MT sent out an email to the posers on goal setting. It’s a worksheet designed to help the user set realistic goals and achieve them.

It would have been a life saver, if only I knew what goals I wanted to achieve. It is almost as if I’m sitting in the eye of a tornado and I keep waiting for the storm to return, but it doesn’t.

I can attribute the lack of motivation to train my running to the fact that it is simply a sport I do for fitness and fun. There is no urgent desire to get better at it and hence nothing to propel me forwards into the realm of internal realizations and true physical achievement.

On the running aspect, I can accept, but when I seem almost contented to continue climbing at a mediocre level, comfortable with the thought that I might never reach the grade of 7A again, let alone surpass it, my mind is thrown into unrest. I could have ignored this blasé attitude and ascribed it to an aging wisdom that slows the pace of impetuous youth, except for the fact that it in no way represents the core of what I am.

Truth be told, I feel alive only when I am obsessed with my passions. To live without that obsession is like living without meaning. These days, I feel as though I am flowing aimlessly through the river of life, searching for the waterfall to ruffle my feathers and awaken the sleeper within.

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